A Punny Valentine’s Day Play for My Honey

For the past two years, in honor of Valentineās Day, I have written a love letter in this space to my wife, Jill, who has Huntington’s disease. This year, instead of a Valentine’s Day letter, I’ve decided to write her a love play.
It goes like this:
[Carlos makes a cellphone call.]
Carlos: I’d like to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day.
Hostess: How many, sir?
Carlos: One.
Hostess: What time?
Carlos: 7 p.m.
Hostess: Under what name, sir?
Carlos: Carlos.
Hostess: OK, you’re all set. We’llĀ see you then.
Carlos: Thank you.
[Cut to a nice restaurant. COVID-19 and Huntington’s disease (HD) enter.]
COVID-19: Hi, I made a reservation.
Hostess: Whatās your name, sir?
COVID-19: COVID-19.
[Hostess pulls a mask out of her pocket and puts it on.]
Hostess: Right this way.
[COVID-19 coughs as he walks. The two sit down.]
COVID-19: This is excellent. No oneās wearing a mask in here.
HD: You must love it when that happens.
COVID-19: I bet I just infected that entire family sitting over there.
HD: Maybe theyāre vaccinated and boosted.
COVID-19: I hate those words.
[Carlos and Jill enter the restaurant. Carlos is wearing a Wired magazine T-shirt.Ā HD stares at them.]
COVID-19: Why are you staring? Do you recognize them?
HD: Her.
[Carlos speaks to the hostess.]
Carlos: Reservation for one.
HD: I know her.
Hostess: Name?
HD: And her daughter.
Carlos: Carlos.
Hostess: I see it here. But it just says for one.
Carlos: Jill and I are two souls with one heart.
Jill: I have to apologize for my husband. He’s a romantic. And he likes puns.
Carlos: That wasnāt a pun, Jill. Iām just bad at math.
Jill: Heās also bad at jokes.
Hostess: This way, please.
[Hostess sits Jill and Carlos next to COVID-19’s table.]
COVID-19: I recognize both of them.
HD: You infected them both?
COVID-19: Yup. But she got it really bad.
HD: Youāre losing your touch, COVID-19.
COVID-19: I canāt get everyone I infect to disappear.
HD: Thatās how you call it?
COVID-19: I canāt help it, I like magic.
[Carlos and Jill sit down.]
Jill: This place is beautiful.
Carlos: Just like you, my dear.
Jill: Iām surprised you didnāt dress up a little bit.
Carlos: You donāt like my T-shirt?
Jill: Itās not that dressy.
Carlos: It is comfy, though.
[HD stares at Jill.]
COVID-19: Looks like you recognize her, too.
HD: I do.
COVID-19: I couldnāt make her disappear, but you can?
HD: Yes.
COVID-19: You must like magic, too.
HD: Nope, just making people suffer.
COVID-19: I admire you for that, but Iām still more effective.
HD: Yeah, more than 900,000 deaths in this country is nothing to sneeze at.
Carlos: I have a little surprise for you, my dear.
Jill: No more puns for a year?
Carlos: Thatās not a surprise, thatās a tragedy.
Jill: You know I donāt like surprises.
Carlos: Well, itās not a surprise, because I just gave you advance notice.
Jill: OK, the suspense is killing me. Whatās the surprise thatās not a surprise anymore?
Carlos: Iām writing you a play.
Jill: A play without puns?
Carlos: A comedic play, not a tragedy.
Jill: OK.
Carlos: And because Iām the writer, I can make anything I want happen in the play.
Jill: OK.
Carlos: Like this.
[Four policemen enter the restaurant. They surround the table where COVID-19 and HD are sitting.]
Policeman #1: Freeze!
COVID-19: What the ā¦ ?
Jill: Carlos ā¦
Policeman #2: Hands up!
Jill: Carlos, whatās going on?
COVID-19Ā [Holding a glass of wine]: What the ā¦ ?
Carlos: Youāll see, my dear.
Policeman #3: Hands where I can see them!
HD: Whatās going on?
Policeman #4: Put down that glass of wine, or I will shoot!
Policeman #1: Youāre under arrest.
COVID-19: Arrest? For what?!
Policeman #2: Murder, attempted murder, …
HD: Are you crazy? Weāre just two guys eating dinner.
COVID-19: And drinking wine.
HD: Yeah, killers donāt drink wine!
[HD and COVID-19 are handcuffed.]
Policeman #3: We know who you are.
Carlos [To COVID-19]: Whoās disappearing now, Houdini?
Policeman #1: We know you admitted to killing, and attempting to kill, hundreds of thousands of people.
HD: How can you possibly know that?
Policeman #2: He was wired. [Points to Carlos.]
[Carlos lifts his Wired magazine T-shirt and shows Jill heās wearing a wire.]
Jill: OK, so that explains why you were wearing that T-shirt.
Policeman #3: We heard everything you said.
Policeman #4: You have the right to remain silent ā¦
[The policemen escort COVID-19 and HD out of the restaurant.]
Carlos: Now you know why I wrote this play, my love.
Jill: I know exactly why. Youāre addicted to puns.
Carlos: No, I wrote it because it was therapeutic.
Jill: Your version of a cure.
Carlos: Exactly. And I got rid of COVID-19 as a bonus. Theyāll be behind bars for years. They will never hurt you, or others, again.
Jill: Thank you, my dear.
[They kiss.]
Carlos: Happy Valentineās Day, Jill!
The End.
Note:Ā Huntingtonās Disease NewsĀ is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those ofĀ Huntingtonās Disease NewsĀ or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Huntingtonās disease.
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