I’ve Lost Many Things Because of Huntington’s

Erin Paterson avatar

by Erin Paterson |

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During the holidays, the small, wood-paneled dining room was full to bursting with my family members.

Ten or more people squeezed around a table meant for six, with just an inch of elbowroom between us. My dad sat at the head of the table, which was covered by a cream linen cloth embroidered with gold thread and set with silver cutlery and the fancy china with a petite fleur pattern that was brought out only on special occasions.

The table setting was beautiful but it was the food that got everyone talking. My mom was known for her elaborate meals. We’d feast on cannelloni stuffed with three kinds of cheeses and meat served with a garden salad, or beef pot roast with mashed potatoes and French green beans. Then there was dessert: chocolate cake with a mountain of whipped cream or fresh apple pie with a slice of cheddar cheese. We served steaming hot tea in delicate cups and saucers.

Conversation and laughter never lagged. Once our stomachs were full, we retreated to the family room and relaxed on the deep sofas. Sometimes we played cards for hours after supper.

My childhood home wasn’t just full of people during the holidays. It was like that most Sunday nights, minus the fancy dishes. Family dinners are one of the things I miss the most about those times.

It’s hard not to blame Huntington’s disease for the breakdown of my family. Many bad things happened shortly after my dad and I were diagnosed as gene carriers. Perhaps Huntington’s tipped things over the edge. My parents separated and sold our family home, the only house I’d lived in growing up. My dad moved two hours outside of the city to live with his brother, and my mom moved a block away. I avoided the street I grew up on when visiting her because the loss was too painful.

My brothers lived in British Columbia and had no intention of moving back to Ontario, even with the turmoil our family faced. We didn’t host Sunday night dinners or large gatherings during the holidays anymore. Instead, we had to navigate a new and uncomfortable family dynamic as we came to terms with the role of Huntington’s in our lives.

I had to accept that my future, as well as my dad’s, would involve suffering from Huntington’s. On top of that, my husband and I started to struggle with infertility. Every time we tried to get pregnant, we had to reevaluate the risk of passing Huntington’s along to our child. Children of gene carriers have a 50 percent chance of inheriting Huntington’s.

It was too much for me to handle. I started to struggle with depression and developed an anxiety disorder. I tried to escape my fears by retreating to my bed and sleeping for more than 10 hours. Yet every morning I woke up exhausted and had trouble getting myself to work. It was the hardest time of my life.

We adopted our daughter almost six years later. Her first Christmas, it was the four of us — my daughter, my mom, my husband, and myself. We spent the day lounging around the house, looking out at the trees coated in snow, drinking tea, and eating chocolate. We set the table for dinner with a bright red tablecloth and served a small roast chicken with Caesar salad and a cheesecake for dessert. My daughter sat in her highchair at the head of the table. It was our first Christmas as parents, so it was a special year. But as we didn’t have many people to celebrate with, the day was tinged with sadness.

A diagnosis of Huntington’s indirectly affects things that go unmentioned, such as the breakdown of families, the loss of friendships, and strained relationships that must be rebuilt. The tension of adjusting to a new reality. The process of accepting your position as a gene carrier, of understanding that you will be a caregiver one day. The stress of trying to understand how others feel and finding the right things to say.

A gene-positive Huntington’s diagnosis is so devastating that it can break things. It has taken our family a long time to put things together again, to come to a place of acceptance and understanding. It is not the same, but it is getting better all the time.

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Note: Huntington’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Huntington’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Huntington’s disease.

Mary Paterson avatar

Mary Paterson

Great discriptions, Erin! So proud of you!
On the funny side- my mouth was watering when you wrote about your family dinners!
You should consider writing a children's book explaining Genetic diseases. I'm sure your daughter has and will have a million questions. Although maybe they would worry too much?

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Erin Paterson avatar

Erin Paterson

I am sure you remember eating some of my mom's cooking. Thanks for reading my story. A children's book is next on my list of ideas! Great minds think alike.

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Deborah Holland avatar

Deborah Holland

I can write a book about everything I have lost to this disease, and what I have gained. I could talk for hours, thank you for sharing your story.

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Erin Paterson avatar

Erin Paterson

Thank you for reading my story Deborah. Maybe I should write a story about what I have gained from HD as well :) Have a great day!

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Beverly Peterson avatar

Beverly Peterson

I would like to read that second essay too, the one about what you have gained. Thanks for sharing the story of your losses. I am sure many people relate to what you've gone through.

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Erin Paterson avatar

Erin Paterson

Thanks Beverly. I will definitely write a column about that as well. I have been thinking about it for the past few days.

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Kelly avatar

Kelly

Good on you sharing your story with others. Nice storytelling techniques too.

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Erin Paterson avatar

Erin Paterson

Thank you for reading my story Kelly. Glad you liked it.

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Rod avatar

Rod

I just finished a book about my time as executive director of a non-profit providing service for people with mental illness, so your story brought up similar situations regarding stigma and loss. Good for you for writing about it, increasing awareness and understanding. Rod

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Erin Paterson avatar

Erin Paterson

Thank you so much Rod. I think it is important to write about it so people don't feel so isolated and alone. Congratulations on finishing your book! That is such a huge accomplishment. Has it been published yet? Where can we find it?

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Mary Paterson avatar

Mary Paterson

Just read your latest column. How do you remember the most intimate of details? Did you write a journal or diary?
Interesting- kept me reading and wanting to read more!
Auntie Mary❤️

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