How soccer reminds me of the importance of self-care

The night my wife, Jill, threatened to divorce me over a soccer game, I knew she wasn’t being serious.

As dramatic as her threat was, we both knew exactly what she was doing. Jill was reminding me about the importance of self-care.

When she was diagnosed with Huntington’s disease (HD) in 2018, Jill made me promise to make self-care a priority. So when she recently told me, “If you don’t go play tonight, I’m divorcing you,” I realized there was much love layered in her pseudo-threat.

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Here’s the backstory: I love soccer. I’ve played it since I was a child, and for the past 20 years, I try to play once a week. Recently, while enjoying some time off work during a staycation, I decided to play twice during the week, on a Sunday morning and a Wednesday night.

Jill was supportive, but early in the week, we made plans to cook dinner together on Thursday. On that Wednesday afternoon, Jill shifted gears: She wanted to eat homemade vegetable soup the same night as my game, which meant she’d have to make it by herself.

She told me to go and that she didn’t mind making the soup herself. But several thoughts went through my mind as I was preparing to head to the soccer field: Was I selfish to leave? Would I miss an irretrievable memory? Shouldn’t I be helping her, as we’d planned?

Here’s something they don’t tell you about supporting someone with Huntington’s disease: It’s not just the disease’s unpredictability that you have to manage, but also the crushing, well-intentioned urge to overcompensate. Every choice becomes weighted.

I’ve started seeing joy as a finite resource. If I take it for myself, would I be stealing it from her?

When I announced at the last minute that I wasn’t going to play that evening, Jill dramatically put her hands on her hips and said, “If you don’t go play, I’m divorcing you.”

I tried to protest. I tried to invoke the unspoken Huntington’s clause — the one that says, by default, that time spent together supersedes all. Jill shushed me.

“I don’t want to hear that ‘because I have HD’ nonsense,” she said. “Who’s the one who says you need to play soccer for your own health and for the sanity of both of us?”

She explained that there was no reason for me to feel guilty for wanting to play. She reminded me that she’d changed the dinner plans, not me, and that it wasn’t a test or a trap. If I decided to stay, it’d be because I convinced myself that I was needed at home, not because she’d asked for it.

Calling it a goal

That evening, I had a blast on the field. I loved how competitive the game was. I loved the friendly banter and ribbing that occurred between the players. I loved still being able to play well, despite being 60 years old. On that field, Huntington’s didn’t exist. It was just the soccer ball pinging around the field, a lot of running, and a lot of fun. Playing soccer is one of the few times I simply feel like me, not a caregiver or husband or even “the guy married to someone with Huntington’s.”

Jill knows all that. She wants that for me. Maybe, in a way, soccer is to me what her sense of humor is for her: one of our many survival mechanisms, the things we use to keep us afloat. I like to believe that the love we have for each other as a married couple is what keeps us rowing our boats into the future together, rather than letting us drift apart through selfishness.

When I came home, I ate a delicious bowl of vegetable soup and shared moments from the game. We had soup for the next two nights, and each bowl was wonderful, even though it originally came with a side order of guilt.

Sometimes love isn’t just about choosing togetherness at every fork (or spoon) in the road, but respecting the things that bring each of us back to ourselves, so that we can stay sane — and remain married.

Note: Huntington’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Huntington’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Huntington’s disease.