A Punny Valentine’s Day Play for My Honey
For the past two years, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I have written a love letter in this space to my wife, Jill, who has Huntington’s disease. This year, instead of a Valentine’s Day letter, I’ve decided to write her a love play.
It goes like this:
[Carlos makes a cellphone call.]
Carlos: I’d like to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day.
Hostess: How many, sir?
Hostess: What time?
Carlos: 7 p.m.
Hostess: Under what name, sir?
Hostess: OK, you’re all set. We’ll see you then.
Carlos: Thank you.
[Cut to a nice restaurant. COVID-19 and Huntington’s disease (HD) enter.]
COVID-19: Hi, I made a reservation.
Hostess: What’s your name, sir?
[Hostess pulls a mask out of her pocket and puts it on.]
Hostess: Right this way.
[COVID-19 coughs as he walks. The two sit down.]
COVID-19: This is excellent. No one’s wearing a mask in here.
HD: You must love it when that happens.
COVID-19: I bet I just infected that entire family sitting over there.
HD: Maybe they’re vaccinated and boosted.
COVID-19: I hate those words.
[Carlos and Jill enter the restaurant. Carlos is wearing a Wired magazine T-shirt. HD stares at them.]
COVID-19: Why are you staring? Do you recognize them?
[Carlos speaks to the hostess.]
Carlos: Reservation for one.
HD: I know her.
HD: And her daughter.
Hostess: I see it here. But it just says for one.
Carlos: Jill and I are two souls with one heart.
Jill: I have to apologize for my husband. He’s a romantic. And he likes puns.
Carlos: That wasn’t a pun, Jill. I’m just bad at math.
Jill: He’s also bad at jokes.
Hostess: This way, please.
[Hostess sits Jill and Carlos next to COVID-19’s table.]
COVID-19: I recognize both of them.
HD: You infected them both?
HD: You’re losing your touch, COVID-19.
COVID-19: I can’t get everyone I infect to disappear.
HD: That’s how you call it?
COVID-19: I can’t help it, I like magic.
[Carlos and Jill sit down.]
Jill: This place is beautiful.
Carlos: Just like you, my dear.
Jill: I’m surprised you didn’t dress up a little bit.
Carlos: You don’t like my T-shirt?
Jill: It’s not that dressy.
Carlos: It is comfy, though.
[HD stares at Jill.]
COVID-19: Looks like you recognize her, too.
HD: I do.
COVID-19: I couldn’t make her disappear, but you can?
COVID-19: You must like magic, too.
HD: Nope, just making people suffer.
COVID-19: I admire you for that, but I’m still more effective.
HD: Yeah, more than 900,000 deaths in this country is nothing to sneeze at.
Carlos: I have a little surprise for you, my dear.
Jill: No more puns for a year?
Carlos: That’s not a surprise, that’s a tragedy.
Jill: You know I don’t like surprises.
Carlos: Well, it’s not a surprise, because I just gave you advance notice.
Jill: OK, the suspense is killing me. What’s the surprise that’s not a surprise anymore?
Carlos: I’m writing you a play.
Jill: A play without puns?
Carlos: A comedic play, not a tragedy.
Carlos: And because I’m the writer, I can make anything I want happen in the play.
Carlos: Like this.
[Four policemen enter the restaurant. They surround the table where COVID-19 and HD are sitting.]
Policeman #1: Freeze!
COVID-19: What the … ?
Jill: Carlos …
Policeman #2: Hands up!
Jill: Carlos, what’s going on?
COVID-19 [Holding a glass of wine]: What the … ?
Carlos: You’ll see, my dear.
Policeman #3: Hands where I can see them!
HD: What’s going on?
Policeman #4: Put down that glass of wine, or I will shoot!
Policeman #1: You’re under arrest.
COVID-19: Arrest? For what?!
Policeman #2: Murder, attempted murder, …
HD: Are you crazy? We’re just two guys eating dinner.
COVID-19: And drinking wine.
HD: Yeah, killers don’t drink wine!
[HD and COVID-19 are handcuffed.]
Policeman #3: We know who you are.
Carlos [To COVID-19]: Who’s disappearing now, Houdini?
Policeman #1: We know you admitted to killing, and attempting to kill, hundreds of thousands of people.
HD: How can you possibly know that?
Policeman #2: He was wired. [Points to Carlos.]
[Carlos lifts his Wired magazine T-shirt and shows Jill he’s wearing a wire.]
Jill: OK, so that explains why you were wearing that T-shirt.
Policeman #3: We heard everything you said.
Policeman #4: You have the right to remain silent …
[The policemen escort COVID-19 and HD out of the restaurant.]
Carlos: Now you know why I wrote this play, my love.
Jill: I know exactly why. You’re addicted to puns.
Carlos: No, I wrote it because it was therapeutic.
Jill: Your version of a cure.
Carlos: Exactly. And I got rid of COVID-19 as a bonus. They’ll be behind bars for years. They will never hurt you, or others, again.
Jill: Thank you, my dear.
Carlos: Happy Valentine’s Day, Jill!
Note: Huntington’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Huntington’s Disease News or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Huntington’s disease.